Reader

When I got married (40 years ago now - that alone sounds insane), I didn’t know how to communicate with my wife.

It’s likely I didn’t know how to communicate at all… but let’s focus on marriage.

I worked commercial concrete and she worked in a bank.

My job was hot… heavy… exhausting… she dressed up for hers and dealt with professionals all day. I dealt with “bosses”… a bunch of nuts who cussed more than not… and it wasn’t unusual for someone to get in someone’s face from time to time.

I’d come home from that…she’d already be home…

And, she’d say, “we need to talk about (insert any topic you want here)”.

The last thing on my mind would be that topic.

However, it was not only on her mind… she had given it some serious thought too.

100% of the time I’d feel attacked. Was she attacking me? No. It was simply my defense mechanism I grew up with. IE - anger and fight.

AND, that would immediately be my go-to. Anger. I’d get loud… over time even louder… and when loud didn’t work - I’d hit the table with my fist… which eventually turned into breaking something.

My goal was always — “win” in the moment… and gain control of said moment.

Stupid. Right?

Yes. Stupid.

I now see it as this: I was using dysfunction to gain function.

And, when one didn’t work, I’d escalate to the next and the next and the next.

UNTIL

One day I had pressed all the buttons. I was sitting at the dining room table… coffee mug beside me. She was in the kitchen. I was doing my thing. She had enough. She walked up to me (again I was seated) and she grabbed the coffee mug — which was full of coffee. She stared down and me and me up at her.

In that moment I was 99% sure I was about to wear coffee OR get hit with the coffee mug. BUT men don’t blink - right. I didn’t.

Instead, she let out a scream that was from all of her pent up frustration… she slammed the mug on the table… coffee went everywhere and she walked behind me to our bedroom and slammed the door shut.

It was in that moment i felt God walked up beside me and simply asked, “How far are you going to take this until you learn to communicate with her?”

I went to a book store the very next day and bought my first book on communication. It was titled “You are the Message”. It’s no longer in print. I’ve had many men ask - that’s how I know.

No matter.

It’s was a defining moment and book of me learning to not react out of anger…

AND to learn to talk about “that”.

As we we learning to connect… I again got angry (Old Bob) and she said to me, “If you need time to think about it, just tell me and we can discuss it later”.

Another defining moment for me. Why? I was able to think about “that” whatever the topic was… and to chill down… and she knew I’d still talk about it later and that I wasn’t just BS’ing to get her off my back.

Here we are 40 years later and I can tell you 100% that ANY AND EVERY CHALLENGE IN YOUR MARRIAGE is tied to communication OR the lack of.

And, if you’re a person of faith, I can also tell you that the 2 of you PLUS God can get through anything if you are both 100 committed to do so.

Anyway…

I challenge you to evaluate how you communicate with her… how you hear her… what’s in your mind when she wants/needs to talk about “that”… and what topics might be off limits now because of them being handled poorly in the past? Maybe some of them are worth redeeming.

Stay strong,
​
Bob

Private. Confidential. This is between us.

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